What I knew and what I have learned
by Julie Christiansen OAM
Many loved Harley and he was surrounded by love when he died.
Harley taught me that the acceptance and encouragement offered to me in my formative years by my parents and family and subsequently by friends, teachers and colleagues, is critical to who I am.
Harley treasured every moment he spent with his three boys, Tiernan, Michael and Finbar and he often said that the greatest gig in the world was being a father. He said that he loved them with all his breath and the only time he ever slept soundly was when he was with them.
Harley cherished the three years he spent, sharing an abiding love with Claudia Skinner. Much of that time was spent relaxing on the shores of Kingscliff beach, camping adventures with his boys, fire twirling, swimming, rock climbing, picnics, fishing, music, travel, romance, fun and laughter. Claudia sensed that Harley was struggling with something profound, especially towards the end. But as was his resolve, he would shut down her pleas and withdraw.
Perhaps he never wanted to admit to himself, that he was ill. He certainly didn’t want to burden any one else with it.
He also demonstrated over and over again that it only takes a moment to tell someone that they are appreciated, important, gifted and loved.
Harley took time habitually to invest in others. He had an enormous capacity for generosity of spirit. He had a hunger for learning and wanted to make a difference. He lived his life, striving to achieve the definition of a good life in one of his favourite book’s ‘The Good Life’ by Hugh Mackay.
‘A good life is characterized by goodness, a morally praiseworthy life. A life valuable in its impact on others, a life devoted to the common good. This type of life is marked by a courteous respect for others’ rights, responsiveness to other’s needs (including most particularly, their need to be taken seriously) and a concern for others’ wellbeing. A person living this life will be motivated by kindness and compassion’
In addition to the prolific number of professional engagements throughout Australia, Harley’s final years were spent in Toowoomba. Perhaps it was the ‘call of the mountain’ which reminded him of his early days in the Blue Mountains, but it was there, that he became part of special and caring community. It was also there, where he met Vicki Smith. Vicki’s love ‘poured oil and wine’ bringing peace during his final days and a deep sense of belonging to a man who was inwardly tormented. He was devoted to her and her family, Jess, Tom, Kimmy and Lulu and they were devoted to him.
Harley probably suffered from *Bipolar Disorder II. I am told that this condition is not always easy to diagnose, and therefore can go unnoticed. It seems cold comfort now that he is gone. I understand that Harley would have had some experiences of deep depression (which he successfully managed to hide from most of us) but he lived predominantly in a state called hypomania. Google any reliable site and the symptoms describe Harley with alarming accuracy.
It has been incredibly difficult for people to understand how someone like Harley could have been capable of taking his own life, yet sadly, this is the potential chaos of Bipolar II.
‘In a hypomanic state, he would have had a magnetic energy – the type of energy that would allow him to feed off of other peoples’ emotion and respond brilliantly and creatively to any situation. The other side of this disorder, though, is the deep depression that makes a person feel devastatingly isolated even when surrounded by love. (1)
The bipolar spectrum includes people who never experience full-blown mania. They may instead experience hypomania. They are revved up, but not to the point of doing things that are abnormal. They may think faster, have more energy, require less sleep, and often do and accomplish more than other people. They may be dazzlingly brilliant, especially in artistic and creative fields. It is as if their brains are turbocharged.
(A disproportionate number of extraordinarily accomplished people—from Napoleon to Beethoven to Ernest Hemingway to Winston Churchill—are thought to have suffered from bipolar disorders).
Some people have intermittent hypomanic episodes. Some seem to function in this turbocharged way most of the time; it is their “normal.”
Kay Redfield Jamison, a professor of psychiatry who has written movingly about her own bipolar illness, described hypomania this way: “When you’re high, it’s tremendous. The ideas and feelings are fast and frequent, like shooting stars… Shyness goes, the right words and gestures are suddenly there, the power to captivate others a felt certainty.”
The energy and creativity come with a terrible price. Sooner or later, hypomania gives way to depression (“bipolar II disorder,” according to the diagnostic manual). A few blessed souls seem to get mainly the benefits of the bipolar gene set: They get the turbocharged brain and boundless energy but seem to escape debilitating depression. But they are the exceptions. (2)
I was ignorant of symptoms of this mental illness and the fact that I never knew what Harley suffered will always haunt me. A week before he died, he told me that he was tired of being the showman, the clown. He said that he was going to hang up his hats and crazy outfits. There were so many signs but I was blinded by my ignorance. He was physically and visibly exhausted by his torment and frenetic pace. The ‘energiser bunny’ to which he was fondly referred, by his friends, was running out of battery. In one of his final songs he wrote that his ‘heart was dark, that a shadow had dulled the light of the fire which had once burned within and that the breath had left his soul’ 2
Ignorant people say things like ‘he made a selfish choice’ because they are simply ill informed and uneducated in this topic. I believe it is important to say to those who would be hasty to judge, that Harley’s ability to rationalise the effect his condition was having on him would have been severely impaired. He was not himself in that state. To condemn or judge; saying that he made a choice in a psychological or moral sense is as foolish as saying that those with a terminal illness have control over how their illness progresses or how it will affect them.
Understanding and compassion has forged a path for my own sense of peace. I cherish the memories. My knowledge that he was gravely ill and that the biochemical state of his brain affected his decisions and behaviours helps me to overcome the torment of his passing.
Whilst there were times of solace, our friend lived with persistent mental agitation and physical exhaustion. He had a predisposition to his condition through genetic channels. I have learned to forgive and accept that he didn’t want to share it with those who were closest to him. Rather, he was like a sponge, always willing to listen to others but rarely sharing his own burdens. I will always be deeply saddened that he didn’t reach out for help.
He would never have expected the outpouring of love, the tributes or the appreciation shared by others towards him. Perhaps if he had known, he would never have thought that his world was better off without him.
There is hope for those suffering with Bipolar Disorder or depression. There are professionals who are trained to assist and provide support and ongoing treatment and suicide can be prevented if the right treatments are sought. But I have learned that good mental health care can, and does prevent tragedy. I have also learned that as a society of intelligent and caring human beings, with a conscience for what is integral to healthy communities; we need to learn more about mental health so that the stigma is lessened and people who suffer don't feel so isolated and helpless.
I don’t know whether or not Harley had ongoing treatment with a professional or if his suicide could have been prevented. But I have learned that that good mental health care can and does prevent tragedy.
I am not qualified to make a *professional diagnosis and I apologise if any of my comments offend. What I have learned comes from various sources. In addition to speaking with a psychiatrist, I have read as much as I can in search of answers, which ease the confusion, anger and pain. I write as a person who was proud to be known as Harley’s friend and colleague.
My wish is that his ‘good life’ continues to enrich yours as it has mine.
1. Bottaro, Gregory PsyD August 14, 2014 ‘Catholic Psych Institute’
2. Mead, Harley August 31 ‘Weep’
3. Shedler, Jonathan PhD August 15, 2014 ‘Psychologically Minded’